This is satirical…
My home is graced by the presence of two cats. When I'm bored, I sometimes observe them and reflect on their behaviours. I sometimes wonder what it's like to be them. I can't help but feel jealousy…
Cats are so lucky, they get to sleep up to 16 hours a day. I would love to get 16 hours, but I have work and do other nonsense, I'm lucky if I get 8. Plus, some nonsense science malarkey says that too much sleep is bad for you. They're wrong, my cats sleep 16 hours and have never ever complained about a health problem. Checkmate scientists! #flawless_logic They also fall asleep so quickly while it takes me eons to empty my mind and relax my body so my slumber can begin. Also, I don't understand how they can sleep anywhere. On the floor, on the kitchen counter, on the couch, on my bed taking MY spot (how dare you Minnie?)… I wish I found the floor comfortable, wouldn't need an expensive bed and mattress.
Cats don't have to work or go to school or anything stressful like that. They can do whatever pleases them at any time. They don't have to worry about income as I pay all their expenses. They have no responsibility.
Cats have food ready for them on command. My cats are my alarm clock in the morning meowing incessantly until I get up from bed and feed them. And don't get me started about their food. That stuff must taste amazing to them and it's still very nutritious. It doesn't need lengthy preparation and has long shelf life. If I want the semblance of healthy food, either I or my significant other have to spend a good chunk of the day cooking.
Cats have no social obligations either. When someone calls me I better reply otherwise I'm being impolite. Even when I feel like crap and don't want to deal with people, I still have to. Not with my cats. Sometimes they respond when I call their name, and other times they don’t. Only when they feel like it.
Cats get treated in the best of ways. When we take them to the vet they get greeted by the nicest practitioners. Their offices are nicer than our clinics and they have no wait times and appointments at convenient times. The vets tell them nicest words and handle them with the upmost care. I can't say that about some family doctors I met who treat me like a number and talk to me condescendingly. At home, the endearments don't stop. Every day, they receive compliments and my fiancé even sings to them.
Cats have fun with the most mundane of things. I can play the most stimulating PC game and still find myself bored and sleepy. My cats play with straws, hair ties, rubber balls, some metal string with some cardboard on it and even a stupid laser pointer. I wish that was fun for me, I wouldn't need expensive equipment to entertain myself. Of course, they only play when they feel like it.
Cats don't get punished. Unlike dogs, cats don't learn via punishment. So when my cat misuses the litter box or throws up on the floor for the millionth time, I can't do anything about it. I have to clean the mess up anyways because they don't have to and never will. I can't spray them with water because they don't learn from it. I can't tell them harsh words because it doesn't mean anything to them.
The best part, cats don't care. They only do things when they feel like it and no can force them or stop them. They don't care about their self-image. They don't care about taxes. They don't care about being for late for work. They don't care about the noisy neighbours. They don't care about anything.
When I grow up, I want to be a cat. I'm so jealous...