Breaking Point

I have to apologize for the recent silence and lack of progress in my various projects. My mind hasn't been wired properly for a while now and going to difficult and troubling times. I mentioned before that I'm bipolar schizoaffective and borderline but my symptoms have reached their peak in somewhat recent times. I was promised that my illness would be a prodrome to grow bigger and bigger and they were absolutely correct. My onset of thirteen years ago never hinted at me that I'd be battling a monster that vies to be victorious over my frailty.

This is a very sensitive and personal subject for me and it's guaranteed to make me vulnerable and a target for all sorts of missed opportunities. However, I'm at a breaking point where I just can't hold in the tears anymore. I have to spit everything out in the most embarrassing of places, my blog. At the end of the day, I'm a human being who's going through some tough challenges and if this is a point of judgement for you, please move on and don't waste my time. At least I'm brave enough to put this in public for everyone to learn about.

The subject is graphic both emotionally and physically so I'm going to throw some massive trigger warnings here for those who hold trauma or are so neurotypical that thoughts like these never entered their minds. If you fear seeing a drop of blood coming out of your body or the most painful thing you've ever had was broken nail, this is not for you. In other words, if you've never suffered and take everything for granted, we're just not going to vibe.

My account starts with something in the present. Permanent marks and cuts on my arms that will never heal. I'm not ashamed of them nor do I regret committing the act. It has become part of my story giving a glimpse into who I am and the pain that I had to endure. I've had the bravery this fall to wear short-sleeves for all to see and had people courageous enough to ask me questions about it. It doesn't take much to explain other than admitting that it's self-harm and that 80% of my kind engages in activities like these.

A select few have asked me why I would do something like that. My answer was always the same: because I had to. It's impossible to feel emotional and physical pain at the same time, so this act provides me with consistent relief and distraction from what's going on inside my head. Never has blood looked so tantalizing to me seeing it flow down my arms spoiling my blanket. In my naïve years of teenagerhood, I though that something like that was just so stupid, but now I have total respect for it and fully understand how necessary it is.

Last weekend, I developed a panic attack because I knew I was about to have a psychotic break. No matter how much I was trained to recognize them, they still scare the shit out of me knowing that soon, my reality will melt and I'm going to be in a strange world. The delusions became so real and the paranoia started to hunt me down. I watched the world getting foggier and foggier and losing track of the real world becoming derealization. Imagine yourself not being able to trust your thoughts anymore and everything fading to obscurity revealing a new existence that even a bad trip on psychedelics can't recreate.

That night, my delusional self was keeping me away from my treatment. I thought that something mysterious took over me and that magic will banish it to eternal suffering. However, I had to do what they call opposite action, a very difficult technique that is ingrained in your psyche so deep learned in Dialectical Behavioural Therapy. I struggled to convince myself to get off my couch with all the colours swirling everywhere and swallow giant doses of antipsychotics. It took five hours to regain my consciousness, so to speak, and end the day with bedtime. I was still afraid.

So that's what happened recently, but the cocktail of symptoms has been presenting me with surprises and put me on the path of relapse. A mixed episode out of nowhere collapsed onto my taking me over along with the dreaded short shots of emotions from borderline personality. However, this one wasn't going to be covered by massive doses of Seroquel, it was going to last and for the past few months, I've been in it. The darkness is seeping in dimming even the dimmest of lights, I just can't anymore.

My functioning and cognition took the biggest hit, the thing that I value the most in my mind, is starting to fade away. There's no trigger, it's just the genetic switches that keep being turned on, one by one, and it seems like it's still growing. Every night, I dissociate because of how hopeless I feel and realize that I just had another empty day of nothing. It hurts, a lot.

Throughout my career of mental challenges, I would get lapse of relief, thinking that whatever combination of medications has settled me down. Sometimes it was relief but other times it was just a hypomanic episode giving me the illusion of a cure.

Where I am now is a painful but empty existence. There's nothing inside me, I feel nothing but a void. There are emotions but I can't feel them except through the filter of borderline, and my mood swings are just something to witness through the state of the world around me. Every morning, I start hallucinating and it ends when I go to sleep. However, my symptoms still haunt me in my dreams because the nightmare is both when I'm awake and when I'm asleep.

But, I'm trying to be hopeful and care-seeking. I want to get better and resume my life, but it won't be an easy path. The expression 'live day by day' is insipid and an extreme insult for me, because you can't plan a mental illness like that. The episodes last weeks and months, with no end in sight even if you are aware that there will be finality, but only for that episode. Because, another one is lined up for me.

My condition has taught me to be strong and forced me to become resistant of the ramblings of my mind. I can't get them out of head, or even ignore them, but just let the demons live inside my head and have the party they so badly want. I've brushed death and literally met it a few times so I know what it's like on the other end. I've learned to keep myself safe but the thoughts will never leave me, not even for a day.

On the other hand, I can't let myself submit to my circumstances but I have to cope with them in the best way possible, even if it means hitting the pause button for a while.

What's coming up next for TopRoms...

I’m currently hard at work expanding and assembling the TopRoms collection to include even more goodies. The collection is getting quite large, but stay reassured that only quality content will make it to the package. Here’s a taste of what’s coming up next:

• Japan only releases that are translated into English. This will be very time consuming because the Japan region has been the recipient of a swath of great RPG games. I know these are very popular so expect them to be included eventually.

• Addendum: I forgot to mention that I will be adding sport games as well since virtually none are included in the collection.

• Investigate CHD CD images that are failing to load in certain emulators. Almost all the disc-based systems have been converted from ISO to CHD but some have reported issues using them. The systems still ISO work fine.

• Add more high-quality and playable games. Thanks to the emails from my readers with suggestions. I’ll also be taking a deeper look on the web and magazines to find even more great games.

• Attempt to add every system that has an emulator working up to the fifth generation (PlayStation 1, Nintendo 64, Sega Saturn and so on).

• I know some of you really want more modern systems but I don’t have the disk space to actually include those systems too and finding good dumps for them is still challenging. Emulation isn’t that far either for these newer systems.

If you have noticed, the torrent has become much more reliable and provides better download speeds. I moved everything to an actual physical server on a good internet connection. My experience with seedboxes has been sour with broken software and limited bandwidth. The higher bandwidth servers are even more expensive. Hosting it on a VPS is out of the question because of the cost of storage.

Stay tuned but this may take a while to take shape. Keep seeding and sharing the collection with your friends!

My biggest failure, the FreeBASE console...

It’s been almost 10 years since the FreeBASE idea was initiated. However, it was a massive failure due to realizing that we were competing in the wrong field and honestly being afraid of our shadow.

The biggest problem that I didn’t understand back in my university days is that good ideas don’t make good products. I mean, how great of a proposition is it? A game and media console that would play free content with thousands of freeware and open-source games and popular online series that were viewable at no cost.

We had a great team each with their own speciality me being software, someone else doing research for the free content, a web developer, a DevOps (before the term was even coined) expert but still looking for more. Several times, we even had amateur investors meeting with us because they were interested in taking the idea even further though all of them, at the end of the day, were skeptical of the idea and threw us out of the window.

At the time, the landscape was shaping up to be a quite competitive one and I was slightly scared of them. I mean, the giants Sony, Microsoft and Nintendo had a foothold on the market and we realized that we could never compete with them. But we had a bit of hope because other players tried to enter the market such as Boxer8’s OUYA and Valve’s Steam Machine made us feel like we can squeeze into the market too.

However, in retrospect several years later, after the project was canned, we saw Boxer8 and Valve fall flat on their faces with disastrous results. We were naïve at the time and couldn’t see the faults in our ‘competitors’. But, just like us, they were short-sighted, and failed to understand the market. Julie Uhrman, the founder of the OUYA project, had no idea what she was doing. For example, she claimed that the OUYA controller was the first to have a touchpad while she was oblivious to the fact that Sony’s Dual Shock controller beat them to it. What an embarrassment!

Valve’s idea fell on it’s face after selling so few Steam Machines that many people ended up buying them because they were cheap computers installing Windows on them to get rid of the subpar SteamOS. OUYA was even more embarrassing. The best selling game was TowerFall, but the developers revealed that only 7000 copies were sold. It was ported to PC and become a massive hit there.

At this point, I have to give up on insulting the other projects because ours was a much bigger failure. I was so confident that we would get somewhere but I began to feel fear and the whole team got disillusioned and split apart shortly after. The only evidence left is an idiotic YouTube video that looked like a teaser, for a teaser.

Our proposition brought challenges that our much larger competitors didn’t have to face.

First, we couldn’t build or design our own hardware, we decided to use off-the-shelf components but building such a machine was very expensive. We tried to make tiers to create multiple markets but it was as confusing as Windows Vista’s swath of editions. Our projections showed that our systems would be at least twice as expensive of current consoles with much less horsepower.

Second, we had to make money on hardware, we couldn’t sell it at a loss like the others. Since the games were free, we couldn’t make the creators pay licensing fees to have their game featured on the console. We saw Microsoft try this business model with making money on the console but they had to take so much shortcuts that the rings of death became a meme. In other words, these companies had such deep pockets that they could recuperate their losses with licensing fees, and that made their products make millions and billions of dollars.

Third, we made no market analysis at all. We didn’t know if anyone was actually interested in playing shoddy indie games made by someone in their free time. The quality of the games didn’t even touch the ones made by AAA publishers.

My main partner, who was helping me with building the software, put it so elegantly that we hit emotional walls and still haven’t learned our lessons from the failed project. It became really obvious that we didn’t have our shit together.

To this day, I still ruminate about the project because I wish it would be alive and successful. I did consider turning the hardware idea into just a Linux distro. There are already some poorly polished ideas such as Lutris which handles pretty much everything up to even installing patched versions of Wine for better compatibility.

The project still left a legend or legacy behind it, so here’s some images that invoked what we thought the FreeBASE interface would be like.

Leave some notes in the comments sections on your opinions and ideas on this failed project, or similar ideas you had, or even if you want to bring it back again.

Song of the Day 004 - Electric Youth - Marnie

Helen Marnie is a somewhat obscure artist known for her dark and sombre music with the iconic track The Hunter among others like Hearts On Fire, Wolves and Lost Maps with a slightly macabre held melody in addition to lyrics that cause a downturn in the morale of the listener. However, this kind of music reveals a kind of depression that exposes a more realistic outlook on life rather than the fake happiness found in the majority of pop songs.

[Verse 2]
A girl and a boy, just fun
No conversation, no complications here
Dark corners were made for dirty secrets
Work your way into my psyche
And hurt me
I'm my own worst enemy

[Pre-Chorus]
Hey now, hey now, boy
I am your water now
Hey now, hey now, boy
I am your water now

[Chorus]
When the nights are calling
Animal instinct always
Young blood cursing, violent flames
When the nights are calling
Signals pulse like we're electric youth
When the nights are calling you

[Post-Chorus]
When the nights are calling
When the nights are calling
When the nights are calling you

[Verse 1]
A story of us unfolds
I stand arrested, my education strewn
A girl and a boy, a guilty pleasure
Plain to see that you're taking over me
So, hurt me
I can't even help myself

[Pre-Chorus]
Hey now, hey now, boy
I am your water now
Hey now, hey now, boy
I am your water now

[Chorus]
When the nights are calling
Animal instinct always
Young blood cursing, violent flames
When the nights are calling
Signals pulse like we're electric youth
When the nights are calling you

Electric Youth changes the tone a little to something much more upbeat giving the impression to the uncareful listener that what’s being presented is something happy. However, it’s nothing but a façade and even charade of a dark meaning hidden behind excitement. It seemed that Helen wanted to make something lively but couldn’t help herself with morbid lyrics that are unintelligible until they are actually read.

A scene starts with an abandoned building full of graffiti and quite unkempt. Teenagers enter what seems to be a disguised dance room though completely unfurnished except with the shine of a disco ball. Curiosity shows up on their faces as they look around but they quickly get used to their entourage. The camera is pointed to demonstrate the group's impressive dancing talents but what lied behind them is the band.

The song immediately begins reciting the first verse right away revealing Helen’s existential disorientation. Dark lyrics of confusion become obvious but with no recourse to stave the chaos. She begins telling her story.

But that’s not the strongest part of the song, but rather the two climaxes in the chorus. It’s more important to begin with it as it unravels the loop that the song finds itself in. Essentially, it sets the tone for what it is to come and what came before it.

When the nights are calling
Animal instinct always
Young blood cursing, violent flames
When the nights are calling
Signals pulse like we're electric youth
When the nights are calling you

Lyrics start with a response to the call of night, a darkness and predator filled one and then followed by a plea to animal instincts which would help cope with the dim night-time. However, the day doesn’t come soon enough seeking refuge in violent flames, i.e. a camp fire. The reference to young blood is a sign of naivety, unprepared for the challenges that the night brings. As a result, she harks to the past, as a pulse of energy from an ‘electric youth’ where responsibilities were non-existent, wishing for it dearly. The verse ends again with another call to the night, because the first one hasn’t been answered.

Oddly, this is the most energetic part of the song, and the intensely dynamic choreography (performed by Urbaniks Street Skool of Dance) feeds into that energy. As soon as the chorus starts, the intensity of the dance fires up, turning the desolate abandoned building into a fire-filled dance. Perhaps this is how Marnie is trying to seek protection from the night, maybe projected through nightmares. However, that darkness is never seen in the music video. The enthusiasm presented is probably a retreat from the negativity.

We can see Marnie making an effort in order to suit her song to a wider audience, in addition to enliven her song a bit more to a mainstream listener, she picked the generally similar key and tempo found in other popular music. The main key is C# and she doesn’t really deviate much from it and a tempo of about 130 which is essentially the average key and rhythm of what plays in most popular radio channels.

Looking at the score, it is easy to find how strongly influenced is the song by pop music tendencies. The notes in both the accompaniment and bass note reside within the C# key seldom escaping from it. While the melody is quite novel, the percussion sticks to the modern tendencies of pop music with a very simplistic beat.

Chorus (First Half)

Interestingly, it seems that Marnie is trying to give the song an eighties vibe, something comfortable on a record player. While the dance is modern hip-hop style, the synth supporting it all is clearly less progressive. Like many songs of that era, leaving the instrumentation alone reveals that it’s not what builds the melody. Rather, the singing is the base of the melody. This is very common in music from that era as seen here by this example from Michael Jackson’s Beat It.

Hey now, hey now, boy
I am your water now
Hey now, hey now, boy
I am your water now

The pre-chorus is really simple but the intention is actually quite complex. It shows a submissive side where the performer is allowing themselves into water. We would imagine that humans would melt into quavering jelly, but the liquid has lost so much essence that it has become something drinkable. The previous line invoking a ‘boy’ could be a reference to a love story, the secret but obvious undertone of the video.

Several scenes of the teenagers in a landfill dumpster seem to be running and playing around. This represents some kind of innocence that Marnie wants to bring back into her life but all is thrown out when a girl drops a tire down a hill. This is an attempt to cancel out the choruses which it succeeds but subconsciously showing falling action as a narrative.

There is an expression that is commonly used just before being ‘hey now, hey now’. According to some urban dictionary definitions, the expression is made when someone is approaching to make their presence known. It can be worded in such as way to signal something positive is coming. However, there’s an odd contradiction, these lyrics, being an introduction to the intense dancing also introduces the dark chorus we analyzed earlier. In other songs, this expression is often used in a positive sense only like in Hilary Duff’s What Dreams Are Made Of.

In addition, while the pre-choruses are repeated twice, there is some subtle difference between the two. In the first one, the percussive instruments are almost completely cut-off, leaving only the leading synth instrument with Helen’s voice going down a few notes. In fact, while the music preserves the original key, the notes are so far down that it gives the illusion of a key change, nearly an octave. The melody almost becomes the bass. Now, the second iteration of the pre-chorus has the same attenuation in terms of instruments, clapping is added which gives the impression of humanizing the section a little more. This brings the hope needed to get into the second chorus, which is also what the second climax brings into view again. However, the tension never truly goes away as seen by the lazier dancing done by the group.

The Pre-Chorus

The clapping is a common technique used by video game music when describing more lively levels with a so-called fun aspect or gameplay. An excellent example is Carnival Night Zone Act 1 from the November 1993 prototype of Sonic 3. In this section, you can definitely hear the clapping before this music also goes into its bells-sounding climax.

Now exploring the verses, two of them, shows a slightly more dangerous aspect to Marnie’s idea. They’re essentially a sign of hopelessness, confusion and disorientation. When they play, the dancing scenes are put away revealing mundane scenarios instead. (such as throwing rocks at an empty wine bottle)

The first one, the teenagers haven’t even entered the building yet, laying instead on the wall. At this point, this is where the first verse is reciting, immediately before the instrumentation even starts a few seconds later.

A story of us unfolds
I stand arrested, my education strewn
A girl and a boy, a guilty pleasure
Plain to see that you're taking over me
So, hurt me
I can't even help myself

As Marnie puts it’s clearly, describing a story that unfolds, essentially a narrative for her enema. Arrested with a strewn education, in other words, uncertain knowledge implied by the use of the word education. She ends with a request to be hurt, unable to even help herself. This gives the section a very depressive feel, one where is so pained, they want more.

A girl and a boy, just fun
No conversation, no complications here
Dark corners were made for dirty secrets
Work your way into my psyche
And hurt me
I'm my own worst enemy

The second verse hints at the same meaning but with a slightly clearer undertone. Lost in dark corners where she hides her secrets of depression, work their way into her psyche as she states. This time however, the pain isn’t a request, but rather a result of her secrets. The fear gets to the point where she sees herself as her own enemy, presumably from some kind of trauma or longing for the past.

Both verses reveal a secret love story that Marnie never elaborates on. In both cases referring them to ‘a girl and a boy’. The girl being her, and the boy, presumable the one she mentions in the pre-chorus. There is a sense of innocence, amplified by her line ‘a guilty pleasure’ that isn’t sung anywhere else. However, the music video does show a couple being obviously attracted to each other with the subtle smiles between them and the kiss at the end. One of them inscribes a heart with the letters EYT (probably meaning Electric Youth) on their arm.

There are several scenes of some of the dancers riding old-school bicycles with the footage slowed down. I’m not entirely sure what meaning it serves, but it seems like the slowness represents a sense of hesitation, as if the singer is not really sure what direction to take the song into. However, I’m not certain if that was intentional as the music is very consistent despite going through two climaxes.

One more interesting aspect is how Helen presents herself in the music video, though only three times. Her hair is coloured grey, a sign of age and weakness. While she is desiring to relive her more lively-filled past-self, she can’t escape all the time that passed until she found herself participating in the band.

Finally, the song ends with a post-chorus which just repeats “When the nights are calling you” several times while the song slowly fades out and as the dancing slows down with the entire group on screen. It seems that the line accumulates positivity as the dark night becomes a lively party. I’d say that Helen has managed after several failed attempts of negativity, she finally manages to bring the song out of its hole.

Disappointingly, I don’t think the title of the song, Electric Youth, has much of a deeper sense to it. It just seems that it was put there just because the expression was in the lyrics.

There’s an interesting coincidence that the song title, Electric Youth, is also the name of a Canadian duo that just happens to sing electro-pop songs too. This is very likely to be accidental, in fact, I’m almost sure of it. While the other group does have some darker music at times, there is more positivity in what they compose and produce.

This endeavour of music analysis was probably the most difficult part because I attempted to go deeper than just the general feel of a piece of art. There’s always more ways to imagine a production because it gives a glimpse into the consciousness of the artist. Though this is certainly not a comprehensive analysis as I’ve missed quite a few parts. Feel free to comment with your own views!

Why you shouldn't start a blog

So you want to get onto the blogging train? Thinking what lies ahead is a replacement for your boring office job? We all have strong delusions that easy money is just around the corner as a side gig. However, anything that starts as fun becomes a job when you get onto the treadmill.

My blog started around April 2017, having no idea what to expect. My only real goal was expressing myself and talking about subjects that I’m passionate about. I broke all the rules. First, I didn’t pick a niche that would narrow my topics. Second, I didn’t give a crap about SEO and at the time of starting, I didn’t even know what it entailed. Third, I never put ads, affiliates or sponsorships on my blog. I do have a ‘donate’ button on the side somewhere, but no one has ever clicked it.

I get a decent amount of readers that I want to please and projects that I’m working on. Some of my posts have gone viral I’ll admit and I get a good volume of emails about my blog post topics or projects. I’m making an impact on some people apparently, but I’m not making money. And I don't care.

This blog for me was mostly about expressing my freedom. I bravely talked about elements of my personal life, controversial topics and subjects that no one cared about. I knew that someone might read it, but probably a few people at most. With where I am right now, I’m pretty content with what my website has become. It has become the portfolio that I show off to those who want me to get onboard their team.

Reasons not to blog

Throughout the past few years, I’ve been teaching people how to start and write blogs, what platforms to pick and how to maintain a good writing style and most importantly practice. However, I noticed that people’s intentions seemed inadequate and honestly, unrealistic. I started to collect their ideas and putting the in the worst reasons to start a blog:

Writing for Popularity

I know it’s really tantalizing to become famous and be known in various communities driving recognition for yourself. However, keep in mind you’re competing with millions of blogs, with people who have the same desire for notoriety. Every day, someone pushes the WordPress button thinking that have found a topic so narrow that no one has ever discussed it before. However, unless you’re a university researcher who is used to searching for very particular studies, an average search engine user is probably not going to even find your blog. You might be on page five of Google search results, but do you really think that people will go that far to find your supposed gem?

It is very important to write for your audience no doubt, but getting so specific will turn off many people off because it just doesn’t feel right to read. You’ll be working hard coming up with clickbait titles but it will cause your visitors to bounce back very quickly as the article doesn’t fulfill the promises that your title made. Those so called top ten lists might make for a lot of clicks, but people will skip headline to headline and promptly forgot everything you wrote. Even memorable images won’t stay in their head.

Writing for Search Engines

Search Engine Optimization is a hotly debated subject within the blogging community. The perfect storm of keywords, headers and design choices should make your post be the first one on top of search results. However, it probably won’t and consider how unlikely someone is going to be searching for “motherly tips to deal with pets during the pandemic” rather than “covid symptoms”.

Again, like I said before, write to entice and engage your readers. Keep them in as you get them interested into subjects you’re passionate about. Compose for them because they should be your number one priority. The ‘customer is always right’ philosophy really fits in well here.

Keep in mind that getting people visiting your site is only a small part of the endeavour. You want them to read what you want to say and come back over and over again. Give them a good reason to stay and participate in your discussions.

Think about it, who’s going to read your posts? A robot or a person?

Writing for Money

This is many of my students dream, someone quit their boring white collar job for miraculously making 100k$+ per year income. I’ll admit that I know some people who have done it but they’re very few. As with smartphone apps, clothing products and what not, there’s a huge luck factor and survivorship bias that comes into play.

You’ll likely need to sell more than just your blog to make some acceptable amount of money, assuming it has a good value proposition. These can include things like books, swag and other material that is actually tangible. It takes effort (and money) to get things like this going and it’s a risk anyways.

Things like ads, sponsorships and affiliates will actually end up annoying your readers. Unless you have something as popular as Facebook, no one is going to click on your ads. Keep in mind for things like technical audiences, they likely already have an adblockers that even strips referral URLs.

Passion at Your Pace

If you do things at your own pace, you’ll be avoiding the content treadmill that many prolific content creators suffer from and complain about. You have to be really consistent with your product and constantly produce articles. Your hobby will essentially become a job and you might even miss your previous white collar job.

We all have something to say whether it’s mundane, important or just plain funny. Let your blog be the avenue to self-expression and discuss what’s on your mind. After all, shouldn’t everything be done with passion and love rather rather than regurgitating the same stuff that everyone else is. Perhaps, for me, as it is for many other small blogs, it’s a way to express your freedom and talk to your audience no matter how small it is.

By forgetting all the weak ambitions above, you might find yourself getting what you’ve been dreaming about!

Something to think about and reflect on.